Memoirs Of...

exist

2009-07-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

lets occupy my uptown 5th floor fire escape
drown out lenox's sound
lets converse...
lets talk life between sips of Riesling and bites of 88 star Chinese take-out

in hush tones as if we don't want to wake the neighbors
lets conjure up our kids personalities

she will be just like me and he will take after you
will give them my lips and your eyes

lets for this moment forget about student loans
lets talk about the spaceship we'll hop in to visit Saturn
lets count stars and give them names of our favorite artist

we'll make donny and nina part of our constellation

lets us talk Oprah politics and Obama religions

lets just for tonight forget about history

and re write it so that you and i are the norm

so we are not looked at crazy for being in love

let us if only for this moment just exist

lets just be...

Inspired

2009-01-29T13:22:00.000-08:00

this womens words have given light in my darkest hours, they've aloud me to see life through new eyes

Really Random

2009-01-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

1. Is it cool for me to want to spend my spare time pondering your being, hoping for a glimpse of what makes you tic
2. Life through your lens has captured my attention
3. i had the greatest orgasm last night, i came spiritually
4. i felt the need to share this with the world of facebook and it cause a damn up roar
5. How does one find taboo what they are so familiar with
6. Lyrics words haunt me at the most intense moments of the day
7. i've found myself avoiding them for they make the distance between us so much greater
8. so i've moved my bed so i can sleep facing west in hopes that shes sleeping facing east, so we can meet at the purple moons that orbit our dreams
9. HE: i've gotten to the point where his words no longer stir me, but the will always invoke thought
10. his genius exist regardless of me
11. Excuse the intense tango my thoughts and words are dancing on this page, my feelings have no focal point at this moment
12. I've become comfortable in my own skin, its the most liberating feeling
13. My shower baptizes me daily, it allows me to become a new man, to face the chaotics of the city with new untainted eyes
14. Speaking of taint, i look forward to experiencing untainted love, to feel needed, to need and do so with out shame
15. i've had this unexplained intense feeling for a long time, its blurred my vision, at times skewed my perception, caused my mind to wonder, day dream, stare off into distances

yours exposed,
jahmar

Randomness

2008-12-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

1. couldn't sleep much last night damn dreams were to vivid, so i turned to our past aim conversations to keep me company

2. masturbation no longer amuses me, i now do it out of routine (i just don't cum like i used to)

3. i'm falling in love with your awkwardness and finding beauty in your flaws, crazy but they compliment mines

4. i've cried twice in the last two weeks, sigh

5. tom ford nuff said (genius) i've developed a crush on this old white man

6. i miss our old aim conversations, they now feel empty and forced. somewhere between the first capitalized letter and the last period something went missing. i just don't have the strength to find out what it was.

7. today i promise to get a good read in my new book of choice "gentleman jigger"

8. i wish those shoes would have hit bush dead in his face, or that i was the lucky man to throw them lol

9. jazmine sullivans rendition of "round midnight" has been doing something to as of lately

10. i have a crush of one of my fellow blogger's words, they force me to think and to think uninhibitedly, is it possible to have a crush on ones pen?

11. for the record i've never considered myself a writer or a poet...

12. my sexuality has been questioned often times in the past, i feel that i should not be little my existence to something as small as human sexuality, so from now on i will just state that i'm merely attracted to people...

13. ny seems to be the piece of me that i've always felt was missing, this city makes me happy beyond measure at the times when i feel like i cant smile

14. i asked you how many others had occupied the space in your bed that i was finding comfort in, you told me not to worry, you had washed the sheets after they left and their stories had been erased, -well how many stories have you erased? as i figured you lost count, referencing the teachings of your mother who taught you to love through intermingled sheets, and to erase well wash those whose stories didn't end well.

15. i can't fault you because your a writer and like some many others i fell in love with words that carried some many meanings, my translated meaning not being one of those that mattered

16. why am i tip toeing around the notion of love as if i'm preparing to have an affair...

Lyric

2008-12-15T01:12:00.000-08:00

i read her words before the ink got a chance to dry

glided sweaty fingers over them running the risk of smearing,

but it was well worth it for a chance to get to feel her

i'd found myself tracing lyrics written journey on many occasions

although i could never account for the last few years,

i knew she was a major part in mine

Lyric had a way of inspiring the uninspired with her words and syntactical execution

although she didn't know it lyric had me at hello way back in 2000 sophomore year,

next to the telephone booth in the main hallway,

the same booth and hallway that housed so many of my peers stories

back then Lyric was into he not i

but i still watched her in amazement

she began to bloom and as time moved on so did our friendship and my love for her pen
now days i catch myself at 3am sipping hot tea staring at a screen spued with her words hoping

i catch a glimpse of me intertwined in them...

2008-11-21T03:00:00.000-08:00

i've masturbated at the thought of you

gripped head board

legs spread

tangled sheets

eyes closed

lip bit

hand going from my nipple

to my navel

to my thigh

and back

i've repeated this journey several times

my hands have caressed ever inch of my body

i felt bolts as if you had caressed every inch of my body

i tensed in ecstacy as if you were caressing every inch of my body

in the end finding the source of my internal fire

and so with thoughts of you

i constructively caressed my lingman

i adjusted mirrors

so i could see me pleasing me

thinking of you

i wanted to become a voyeur of my own thoughts

obsessive

i seen with new eyes every time they opened

silhouettic images of you danced

at the flicker of the candle on my nightstand

i'd summoned you

head thrown back in ecstacy

i'd called out your name as if you could hear me

i closed my eyes a tear fell as i prayed to God

that you could

i'd turned my phone on loud

in hopes that he heard the preys

of my sexual frustration

and you would call......

and so i write

2008-11-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

i do not mean

to exploit our relationship

all i have is my pen,

my 24yr old rugged tablet

and a constant reminder

of you tatted on the inner fold

of my hand between thumb and pointer finger

and so i write.......................

2008-11-07T10:32:00.000-08:00

Today i realized that if i can't have you to myself
i'd rather be in your presence as an observer

choosing to stay stagnate

and watch as you continue to live

and i merely exist and slowly dwindle away.............

We made LOVE

2008-11-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

We made love to the rhythm of Baracks victory, and dedicated it to our grandmothers and grandfathers who learned to love through depressions. Sweating out slave trades, blood soiled grounds,Mississippi trees and there strange fruits,the molestation of our culture as well as our queens, jim crow laws, needles placed placed in our hands to do destruction,flooded lands, and fallen towers we did this as a promise to our kids and our kids kids that they'd have there chance, we made love to let them know we would never turn back, never allow the depletion of our people happen again and just as God promised never to flood these lands again we promised never to hold our heads down for we have to much to keep our heads up for, made love so that our country could hear us so that she knows we will not let her forget our past but we would continue molding her future, we made love to drown out the horrid sound of bush politics. We made Loveand with each thrust and asthmatic breath we blessed our beloved country, thanked her for the blood, sweat, and tears that made us who we are, we told her to keep her forty acres and her old rugged mule,because we don't want it, we told her this time we'd willing allow the erection of the foundation of her new land to happen on our backs because we see it needs our strength. We made love. And just we emptied ourselves of life forms we called out the most highs name and thanked him, for we knew he was pleased and blessed our love. We found sweet slumber in front of a fire place in Harlemand we began to dream in color, in unison and in those dreams we continued to make LOVE!

ReBirth

2008-10-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

2008-04-15T01:21:00.000-07:00

I've decided that its ok to stand in the rain and mourn the loss of what we've grown to know as us , that way my tears will be unseen
and if at some point it thunders I will cry out at the top of my lungs for they will go unheard.
I've decided to allow my self exactly 2 min and 55 sec mourn,
that's how long it took for the twinkle in your eye to catch me.
And if at some point I'm interrupted I will act as if I'm lost...or maybe even crazy,
I will go on this tangent on how I allowed a foreign country to invade and take over my soul,
how foreign polices had been changed,
I will tell of how the temple for which I once worshiped was wired with explosives and blown up once the foreign country decided to leave,
and because of this it will forever dawn a under construction sign to hide its shame from the public eye,
I will speak of the brown eye, nappy headed Lil black boy who walks around aimlessly in the rain eyes squinted and mouth wide open mute to the world only God can hear his cries, his hands gone they were severed by the foreigner so he can no longer write,
castrated he bleeds his man hood taken as a souvenir...
I am that boy, and just as Mississippi trees bear strange fruit I hang there,
ground zero waddling in the debry from the destruction of I,
waiting praying on this foreigners return hoping it will be to make mends,
to rebuild my country,
to lay the foundation for the erection of my temple,
so one day I will be able to worship again,
be able to not hold my head down ashamed to open its doors
and allow another to worship with me.
I will,
I Lil black boy lost will mourn
But only for those 2 min and 55 sec...

winter's end...

2008-03-21T00:21:00.000-07:00

And so it begins that today marked the end.

This harsh reality hit as I sat legs stretched out staring out frost bitten window witnessing winters last defeat over my favorite tree

Between sades song for Jezebel and discussions of James Allen as a man thinketh.

It was in these most sincere moments that I realized the end of this tantrick affair was quickly approaching.

And I had yet to come to grips with it, I've given myself the before you leave you must know speech over over but it just won't work.

So I've decided that I refuse to tell you that you'll be missed because missing you is not an option, it will mean that I've aloud you to completely leave.

I've decided that I will keeps pieces of you tuck away in my minds secret folds for they will keep me comfort in my times of need or want...

every time I go to dial your number in hopes that we can share a bed for the night, they will embrace me...

every time I'm on the street see someone who reminds me of you and part my lips to call your name,they to will be there...

every time I find myself myself waking in a cold sweat hand cradling an erect dick,they will be bedded with me...

every time I find myself making tea in the wee hours of the night and watching the dry ass humor of Frasier, there they will be...

and every time it may end with me realizing that these pieces of you are just distant memories, and frustration may quickly come in but I will have...

So I still have you.

So Winter here is to our last dance for now, Although I look forward to the coming and Spring

I will wait silently for your return...

He

2008-03-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

As he entered the library, he captured my eye and that part of my mind that wonders. Funny, I had no business looking up from my book being that it was finals and what not, but my mind was on over load and I was feeling a bit horny, studying does that to me. Crazy things is as he walked he seemed as if he command the ground under him to move with his every step so he more like glided in. I tried to re focus and divert my eyes but they wouldn't move they were glued and by time I realized this he met my stare and at that point it seemed as if we read each others stories he was confident with my interest in he, yet I wasn't for I had a girlfriend and had never looked twice at anything that didn't have a pussy, but there I was and although I looked only once its that one moment that lasted a lifetime. As we stared time slowed down and and tunnel vision set in, it was just he and I in a room filled with books, knowledge is the greatest turn on. My dick strained against my zipper begging to be released from its denim prison, but I could not transcend. I could see the imprint of his manhood through his chinos, and from where I was sitting it was quite evident that his length defied the 12 inch ruler, that plus its girth made the, until then myth of the big black dick exist. I was stuck, stuck in a trance that I was becoming more comfortable with by the minute. He steps to my table and I see that his eyes are the color of amber, I looked down at his lips, they were full much like my mind, full of thoughts never had before. As I stare they part and words escape "What up I am He and you would be?" he offered his hand, I extended mine, we touched. It was soft, yet firm. My lips parted no words, then a stutter, I then answered "confused, I mean Jamal, my name is Jamal." And thus began the poetic journey of He and I...

Dear Winter

2008-01-29T15:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Winter, I've grown to love your cold shoulders touch and although I look forward to the coming of spring I will forever cherish the late nights of Frasier, hot tea, slices of artificial sweet potato pie and sex glistened nights in front of open fires.

Winter

2008-01-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

She and I connected between the second verse of the third song and by the songs end we sat there all eyes mentally nude. Discomfort vividly affected her positioning, I told her to relax and assured her that I would take her insecurities and place them in the highest darkest place in my closet, next to my fathers pornos. They being the end of his freedom so he says, would keep the destruction of her beauty company, for they would never see the eyes of any but mine again. She told me that she would take my arrogance and tuck it in her great grandmothers mink in the attic and pray that its humbleness rub off on it. I smirked for I knew that it was that same arrogance that bought us both together. Said it was something about my fuck the world attitude that kept her intrigued.

Over tea we discussed life's politics: Obama vs. Clinton her defending Clinton's animalistic go straight for the throat tactics and I proclaiming that its time that the white house be painted black, I defended a god who hung on a piece of wood that tended to frustrate the intelligence and her stating that the same "all knowing", "all loving" man was a hoax, a joke, because it would have been he who took her parents from her at the age of 7, leaving her to be raised by her grandmother and the streets.

We talked love of slices of sweet potato pie, she told me that she could see herself loving me, I told her don't, to blind that love, because with love comes expectations and expectations bring disappointment and I would hate to disappoint. So we agreed to set those feelings aside and live only in the now. She assured me that she would teach me to love without disappointment, I smirked and ate the crust.

We blueprinted our plans for a family, adoption she stated was part of her destiny, for there were to many tribes of fatherless children in the world that needed our love. So we on an african male and an asian female to represent both of our ancestry.

Over a sink of dishes she explained why the caged bird sings, and between intermingled hands in suded water and playful bubble fights we'd glance at the clock on the wall for we knew that time was not willing to wait for us. And for a split second my faces showed discomfort for the thought of depression that was destined to set in during her absence.

We made love in front of an open fire in the middle of May to remind us of what we decided would be our favorite season WINTER. And as our world clashed and we emptied ourselves of our life forms, I decided that that would be her name. I told her that I would tattoo it on the the inner folds of my right hand between my thumb and my index finger, so that every time I went to write I would think of her. ......And as we layed sex glistened we say that May will forever be the coldest winter ever.

Glimpse into SHE #1

2007-12-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

...The emotional scars lucidly cloud her aura

She's been branded by the names of her fore fathers

All masters of verbal abuse

Given the alias lose at the tender age of 12

For telling that her cousin touched her in a place

That shes now convinced was alright

Told her that her indigo shade spoke of her dirtiness

And that his thrust and gift that came after

Would cleanse her bringing her the purity that she longs for

So she searches endlessly

Legs cocked open welcoming any stiff dick

Connected to the body of any man who she believes has game....

Masterbation (inspired by saul williams)

2007-12-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Masturbation is the one religious experience that allows

me to get in touch with my inner god, it takes me to a realm

that consists of only the two of us, its in that realm that i

grasp the notion that we are one in the same for he lets me

call him me.

Nina

2007-12-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

I fell asleep

I was being serenaded by the soulful tones of the late Nina Simone

And somewhere between Feeling Good and Mississippi Goddam

You snuck in

You arrived right on the perfect crescendo

Never when I want you

But always on time

It's like at that moment we personified divinity

This was truly meant to be

Or was it

Had I mistaken Nina's songs of love and passion

For your hearts unspoken language

And been carried away by my souls ambitions

That's often happened in the past...

The Away Message

2007-12-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

I felt a hand caress my dick and woke only to find you were not there

then it hit me that you hadn't been in quite some time

and I had fallen asleep on top of my covers holding myself

probably dreaming of your touch and the past sessions of comfort its brought

and like so many nights to put my mind and body at rest

I will find that comfort with the familiar curve of my right hand and help from KY

and its after I've emptied my body of all that's left of me

that I will climb under my covers and find sweet slumber

and dream, dream really big

and these ones won't include you

I've adapted to your absence

and have learned to put myself to bed

I'm away Dreaming Big

untitled

2007-12-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

All that emotions intertwined into lovemaking bullshit has gone out the door after tonight
there will be no more souls being tied during our serenades,

no there wont be signs of anything and god will not be sharing a room with us looking in,

because I'm quite sure he will not be blessing my yin banging against your yang,

quite frankly I never believed in the observance of love in the bedroom anyway,

so lets just be real and call it what it is

pure adulterated fucking and me fucking you in other terms would be just fucking wrong..

so now comes the rules...

1. I will not be looking deep into your eyes and kissing you passionately to get things started kissing is for the hopeless romantic motherfuckers

2. No I will not be calling you baby in between thrust and asthmatic breaths because that's who you aren't

3. And we will not be calling out gods name during our fuck sessions because like I said before he does not bless it

4. No We will not go slow because that allows thoughts to creep in your head of what you think is love making, so we will fuck rapidly to prevent that shit

5. We will not lay glisten in sweat waiting for our breath to sync

6. We will not wash together because I don't want your dirty ass juices and suds flowing on my feet

7. And no you can't stay for a while and chill and for that matter your ass can't stay the night

8. Oh and once the condoms flushed the sessions over so don't try and restart shit cause I need my rest for the next session due to start in a hour.

9. So please make sure as you leave you pencil in our next session and until then don't contact me.

(Oh and if at any point this upsets you realize this you made this decision for us. Exclusivity just wasn't your fit.)

Chanel No. 5

2007-12-04T09:04:00.000-08:00

She wrote a message on my mirror in her chanel number 5 lipstick and as I read it tears formed in the corners of my eyes. I turned my head because I refused to see myself cry. As I wept the message replayed over and over in my head, I LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO LEAVE YOU.....

Damnit

2007-11-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

So today I realized that my arms are indeed just to

damn short to box with God, I mean the

motherfuckas are to tired to continue to try and

knock what I assume may be a little bit of sense into

him. So I will have to be content with going thur the

continuous trials of tribulations that haunt me.

(Well acutally realized this last week, today i was just reminded.)

This is the last

2007-11-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

I said I was through but yet and still I'm standing here feet on cold tile bare chest and black boxer briefs that you love to see me in staring blank faced into your bathroom mirror and silently chanting my "this is the last" affirmation.

And for a split second I actually believe it

Then it hits me that I will have many more lonely nights and will fall victim to your pictures on my aim screen that says your available and I will type those fatal words would you like company and its that sure that pops on my screen that makes the corners of my lips curve and puts more pep in my step then a gay man in a room full of dicks, a fashionista in a Nordstrom's half yearly sale, and a child in FAO Swhartz toy store.

And I will be at your house in less then 20 min after showering, oiling, and putting on your favorite black boxer briefs and Yves Saint Laurent Cologne will accompany my fresh shower scent.

And when I arrive you'll meet me at the door with an devilish grin that will let me know that we both know what going down.

And as I follow you every excuse to leave will attempt to escape my mouth, but that second mind of my won't even think of letting it happen.

And as we make way to your room hushed stepped so we don't wake your roomie I see my last chance to turn and leave at the thresh hold of your door I ignore it and cross the point of only the A.M. return.

We'll sit and take each other in and in little over ten minutes we will be two bodies intertwined in a ocean of sheets and Donny Hathaway's song for you will illustrate what I thought were your feeling.

And after I cum I catch my breath.

I will put my black boxer briefs that you love so much back on and head to the bathroom.

And I will stand there feet on cold tile bare chest and black boxer briefs that you love to see me in staring blank face into your bathroom mirror...

And I will began to vigorously affirm THIS IS THE LAST

2007-11-22T04:06:00.000-08:00

...words such as I Love You

were just tactics for the next setup

the blow to the head or was it just the head

I thought it was her way of giving me herself

but in her eyes it was just a mouth and a dick

I mean I would express my love for her through poems

her pencil, my tongue

my paper, her clit

I would create never ending stances

and she would beg of me to write in cursive for standers werent enough

I would oblige

and when I doted my last i she would speak languages of every hue

but I could’t translate

they were from another time

and I …

She

2007-11-22T01:40:00.000-08:00

As my tongue and fingers painted pictures with her love, she wrote sermons on the small of my neck and prayed to the most high that he would continue to bless me with the creativity and inspiration to continue painting. And upon finishing my masterpiece I thanked her for allowing me to worship in her temple for it was a blessing to experience her service. I then proceeded to sacrifice an offering of my manhood, in hopes that she would be pleased. And upon completion of my offering she told me that I was blessed and highly favored and that I had ushered her into other realms, she had seen heavens gardens and her essence had experienced orbits. She then told me it was time to attend to the word, a ministry that was solely based on the purity of our conversation. As we read each other and spoke life it all became clear..............She was god